Golf
Wamboin has a somewhat different golf course where the 18 fairways are spread over four properties and the Bingley Way Community Centre. All putting surfaces on our golf course, except for one carefully manicured green, are sand greens.
On the first Sunday of each month we meet at the Community Hall in Bingley Way (usually at 12.15pm for a 12.30pm start) to sort out the competition. First time golfers and children are welcome to try their skills. We hit off on different holes to ensure a more even finish time.
Then it is back to the Hall where tall stories and presentations are mixed with nibblies and drinks. Partners, friends and relatives of the golfers also join in this social activity.
Contact
Peter Greenwood 6238 3358
2024
December Competition Results
Sunday, 1 December. The day after the Great Deluge. But a wet track doesn’t deter Wamboin golfers who turned out in Christmas bling for the Christmas Cup. Those who forgot to ‘frock up’ were thoughtfully provided with seasonal raiment by the day’s sponsor, Matt Hawke (ably assisted by Kath and Cam Hansen) whom we thank for the eats and prizes. After Matt declared a handicap comp we squelched around the course singing hymns, carols and Broadway tunes applicable to the occasion.
Back at the North Pole, as Captain Santa cracked the whip over the elves calculating our scores, we looked around the World as it is. So the Untied States of America’s presidential election was too close to call. I suppose we’ll have to wait until next year for the final count. Your correspondent’s guess is that Trump will romp home. Old George says he’s finally figured out US politics: Republicans are former publicans who returned to being publicans—this may account for all those drunken rednecks who invaded the Capitol Building— and Democrats are bureaucrats who went to so many arcane demos they no longer know what the common people think.
The Australian political year finished with a spurt, didn’t it? Firstly, our old mate Thorpey got the boot from the Senate and gracefully exited with hand held high in a parting gesture. Secondly, Elbow pushed through two and a half year’s work in two days! So what were the snoozers doing for the rest of those 2 + years? Start thinking about who you’re going to vote for in March 2025. As a committed feminist of long standing, your correspondent supports a leg-up for women into the higher ranks of public administration and commerce. I glow with pride to see the ‘gels’ making a good fist of Optus, Telstra, Qantas, Virgin, Coles and Woolies to name but a few. Of course, no one at the top is covering themselves in glory if you listen carefully to that apogee of public discourse, the bar-b-q conversation. Apparently government and industry are both run by ‘nongs’ (a technical term?) of either gender (or both or none). Yet nobody seems to find it astounding that life, the economy and everything still goes on more or less smoothly.
The ‘Executive’ of Queanbeyan Hospital unilaterally banned abortions. In an email discovered by my good buddies at the ABC, the hospital said it didn’t have ‘the supporting framework’ for the procedure which didn’t ‘sit within its delineation’. Drivel viewed from any angle. The Tarago Area Women’s Shed could’ve quickly knocked up a framework and the Pony Club could’ve rustled up some stirrups. As for delineation, we could’ve stuck down another of those coloured lines on the hospital floor, taking you straight to the clinic. Alan Jones may be as guilty as hell but he is entitled under law to the presumption of innocence. Someone tell that to Judge Dredd, the cognitively-challenged assistant commissioner, who spoke presumptuously of ’the victims’. Pvte Richard Norden will never know he was awarded the Victoria Cross for valour in Vietnam. But he’s in good company. Since 1900 more than a third of VCs were honoured posthumously. Of those who survived we don’t know how many died young or lived out lives diminished by injury and trauma. All we know is that great courage walks in the penumbra of great sacrifice.
Winners & Grinners
The captain called for order and introduced our special guest, Tony Bond, athlete and fisherman, but not known as a golfer (so far). Other guests included Clare and David Voyant and Polly and Bruce Styrene. Ted’s Joke was a poem about the evils of alcoholic and spirituous beverages. The googly ball went to Pete Harrison for finding three balls in the rough before finding Steve Lambert’s. (You’re asking yourself why Lambert wasn’t looking. Good question.) The dummy spit went first to Steve for complaining that he rarely if ever won an LD/NTP ball. It was passed on to Scott Mason for seeking a Steward’s Inquiry into an infraction of a rule by an unidentified person. Please note that although Vicki Still did not spit the dummy, she could’ve if she’d wanted to. NTP and LD ball winners were Colin Urquhart 3, Ken Gordon 2, Glenn Crafter, David Bailey, Paul Griffin, Tim Barter and (do my eyes deceive me?) Steve Lambert. Best Dressed on the day was judged to be Cam Hansen. Don Evans won the Lucky Dip prize. Junior nine hole comp was won by Emma 79/34. Senior nine hole comp winner was Ewan Prest 48/26 from Scott Mason 40/27 and Steve Lambert 41/29. Ewan retains the Ned Kelly award until the handicapper smartens up. Victor of the 18 hole comp was Col Urquhart 84/58 from Glenn Crafter 75/62 OCB from David Bailey 84/62.
Next month it will be 2025 (if it isn’t already). In anticipation of a hot day, join us at the Hall at 2.15pm on Sunday, 5 January for the Summer time kick off at 2.30pm.
Larry King, golfer
November Competition Results
Sunday, 3 November. The day of the Wamboin Open and two days before the Gunpowder Plot. My old chum, Reginald Heber, stuffed it up rabbiting on about ‘spicy breezes’ ‘and only man is vile’. Vile was the only way to describe the weather with winds up to 50 clicks or more. The Open was, as traditional, sponsored by the R&A Wamboin Golf Club so we graciously thanked ourselves for the prizes selected by Vice Captain Deb Gordon and refreshments prepared by Joan Mason handicapped by the hindrance of Rob Gorham. The competition featured two divisions, stroke play and handicap. Winners of the Open division get their names on the Honour Board in the Hall. Winners of the Handicap division share the Guy Fawkes Powder Keg.
Back in the Hall, sun-and-wind-burnt, we replaced fluid while the captain’s computer did the sums. A review commissioned by Elbow on Australia’s response to the COVID pandemic fortunately scrutinized both state and federal actions, thereby producing a valuable guide for the future. Elbow wasn’t present when Dimples, the Health Minister, released the report. Possibly, he was organizing an upgrade, a mere peccadillo compared to the feather-light Tanya Plibersek who can fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee, especially if it’s the entirely mythical blue-banded bee used to kill off the proposed Blayney gold mine.
At time of writing, Americans have voted-in a lying guttersnipe as 47th POTUS. Let’s give the Donald points for determination, endurance and stamina. Will he keep his promises of bringing peace to the Middle East and Ukraine while restoring the strength and prosperity of the free world? Or is he just an inveterate bullshit artist? Only time will tell. Your correspondent’s melancholy observation is that since the turn of the century elections in many of the world’s democracies have exhibited infinite regress, i.e. successive elections seem to water down the quality of the polity (if you’ll pardon the alliteration). We have forgotten that democracy means the greatest good for the greatest number. Each time we exercise the franchise the greatest number seems to be shafted by the woke agenda of much smaller numbers. Still in America, rapper P Diddy has been charged with a string of offences including sexual assault. The court must decide Diddy or Didny. As a student of public affairs your correspondent was an interested observer of the recent visit of King Charles and Queen Kamala – sorry, Camellia. I’ve got US politics on the brain. Royalty can still draw the masses, the Monarchists were overjoyed and the Republicans wisely behaved themselves. Star of the show was, naturally, crowd favourite Senator Lidia Thorpe. You can always rely on Thorpey to provide a bit of comic relief. Why she has to don the old lounge room rug is still a mystery. Who’d want to work in the media at the moment? The ABC is a racist purveyor of fake news. The Nine organisation is apparently run by predatory creeps. Ten is still buried under the fallout from something that may or may not, depending on how you balance the probabilities, have happened in Parliament House. Seven’s news staff were also caught up. And a moderate working for the Murdoch outfit (are there any?) would feel awkward touting Trump. By comparison it’s a haven at The Independent.
Winners & Grinners
The captain captured our attention by introducing our guests Jim and Margaret Boots, Ilene and Patrick Dover plus their son Ben, and Grant and Judith Chester. Ted’s joke was a parable about telling the truth. The googly ball went to four people frightened by a crow. The dummy spit went to the Lady Mayoress-in-Perpetuity for interjecting during the telling of Ted’s Joke. It was then passed to Vicki Still for invoking the assistance of a deity in the course of play. Vicki was also awarded the inaugural Annual Dummy for well-earned persistent effort. The encouragement award (read, didn’t win anything) went to five people who asked for their names to be suppressed. LD and NTP ball winners were David Bailey 2, Tim Barter 2, Gerard Ryan and Pete Harrison.
The winner of the junior nine hole comp was Emma Hansen with a score of 83. Winner of the senior nine hole handicap comp was Pete Harrison 46/29 from Kath Hansen 63/31 and Steve Lambert 45/33. Winner of the senior 18 hole handicap comp was David Bailey 80/55 from Paul Griffin 87/70. Winner of the 2024 nine hole Eclectic is Cameron Hansen 24.5. Winner of the 2024 18 hole Eclectic is Keith France 54.5. Ladies and Men’s 2024 Nine Hole Open Champions are Deb Gordon 48 and Gerard Ryan 39. The Ladies and Men’s 2024 Open Champions are Vicki Still 91 and Tim Barter 74.
Next month we host the Christmas Cup. Join us at the Hall in your best Christmas bling on Sunday, 1 December at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm sleigh ride.
Larry King, golfer
October Competition Results
Sunday, 6 October. First, an apology to those thousands of supporters of the Deadly Serious Party. Our absence from the Council election ballot paper was due to the incompetence of the state executive who neglected to provide the NSWEC with our nominations. Can you credit it? What sort of lax outfit would do that? Never mind, let’s stick to golf. It being October we all turned out for the Oktoberfest Stein dressed in our chamois leather shorts and Tyrolean hats, singing snatches and lays of a Wagnerian nature. The day was sponsored by Barb and Pete Harrison with assistance from son Steve, whom we thank for the refreshments and prizes, particularly First Prize, an actual glass Oktoberfest Stein suitably engraved. After it was declared that play was to be scored by the Stableford system, we were borne aloft by the Valkyries and flown about the course, shouting Gotterdammerung* and kicking aside the Nibelungs as we went.
Back in the Beer Hall, just before the Putsch was due to start, we scanned current affairs while the captain scanned our score cards. The bad news for the elderly – not here in Wamboin, the source of the Fountain of Youth – is the projected rise in aged care fees. The best bet is to go for home care assistance. Stay at home and save money by eating pet food. Or take Trump’s tip and go straight for the dogs and cats themselves. 20,000 Haitian refugees in Springfield, Ohio can’t be wrong. The location of the Bungendore High imbroglio is over. The NSW Education Dept has wisely decided to put it “outside town”. No, not actually in Tarago as suggested by your correspondent, but at least out on the Tarago road. The decision protects the beloved Mick Sherd Oval and the primary schoolers from all that vaping, doxxing, cyber bullying and gender confusion. Many of us expressed our disappointment at Council’s rejection of our recommendation that the lookout above Jumping Creek be named after former Councilor Jack Purves. It seems poor old Jack is the forgotten man of local government. Canberra Tourism has opened up a niche market. They’re exploiting the ACT’s absence of consorting laws to welcome bikie conventions, most recently the Rebels and the Comanches. Next it’ll be the Gypsy Jokers, the Hell’s Angels, and the Fourth Reich.
The first chapter of his book ‘Holidays in Hell’ by your correspondent’s old buddy, P J O’Rourke, is entitled ‘Rambles around Lebanon’. Now, in one of those ‘Life imitating Art’ events, many Lebanese Australians are seeing more of this once beautiful land than they need at the moment. With the Middle East getting all the attention, Russian autocrat, Vladimir Chamber Pot, expelled six British diplomats for spying. No one noticed so he’s redefined his conditions for using nukes against Ukraine “if he has to”. Outstanding. Turning to sport, the Churchill Medal was won by the Pink Panthers’ Liam Martin. The Brownlow Medal went to Patrick Cripps of the mighty Blues. The Brown Nose Medal was snapped up by the individual at the racist ABC who added sounds of gunfire to a video which didn’t show any, to spice up a story purporting to show SAS soldiers shooting Afghan civilians.
Winners & Grinners
The captain called for order and introduced our guests, David Searle, Phil Moran and Siegfried and Brunnhilde Ringsykel. Robbie’s riddle referenced blushing fish. Ted’s Joke described how the love of golf transcends all. The googly ball went to Steve Harrison whose otherwise excellent drive at Firebreak Fore chased a car down Bingley Way – and almost caught it. Your correspondent was initially awarded the dummy spit for suggesting that his name was ‘scrubbed off’ the NTP marker at the Hall. He gratefully passed it on to Steve Lambert for the ghastly sin of querying another player’s handicap (gasp!) Vicki Still, it would appear, was a model of decorum throughout (another gasp). NTP and LD ball winners were Gerard Ryan 3, Col Urquhart 2, Vicki Still, David Bailey, Tim Barter and Rob Gorham.
The junior comp winner was Robert Thompson with a score of 42 strokes for 20 Stableford points. Senior nine hole winner was Gerard Ryan 37/22 from David Thompson 52/19. David Bailey was the inaugural winner of the Oktoberfest Stein as victor of the senior 18 hole comp with a score of 87/42 from David Searle 113/37. David B will not have to test the marital bonds by displaying the Stein at home as it will take its rightful place in the club’s trophy cabinet in the Hall. Well done, all players.
Next month is November when we stage the Wamboin Open, an essential part of the PGA Tour. Join us at the Hall on Sunday 3 November at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm shotgun start. Meanwhile, people are worried that Albo’s so-called ‘Disinformation Bill’ will cripple free speech. Fortunately it will not affect these monthly reports based, as you know, on the absolute truth.
* Armageddon with a slightly happier ending
Larry King, golfer
September Competition Results
Sunday, 1 September. The word went round the Wamboin high country: would the powerful winds that stopped the bonfire deter the golfers? Not a bit! They turned up in force to contest the famous Spring Trophy sponsored by Joan and Lofty Mason whom we thank for the prizes and the eats. Competition was to be a ‘Par Event’. I’ll explain: your personal par for each hole is determined by your handicap; then um, er, hmm, like, I mean, you know? And there you have it. Confused (but better informed) we stepped out into the wind tunnel and were tossed around the course for the next four hours. A right bunch of tossers.
Back in the shelter of the Hall, as the acting captain weaved his spells, we assessed the goings-on around us. In Canberra the ADHD - the Attention Deficit Health Directorate - has been caught randomly paying out for services not actually supplied, to the tune of $ 10 million. Another complexity thinker at work? Meanwhile the federal government was on a desperate hunt for more IV saline drips. There wasn’t really a shortage. You can find them at the Therapeutic Goods Administration. While on the subject of lapses of the synapses, what induced the federal environment minister to kybosh the Blayney gold mine by preferring the secret views of 18 anonymous people to the advice of the publicly-identifiable members of the Orange Local Aboriginal Land Council? Closing the gap starts with gainful employment, we’re told.
We did well in the Olympics, didn’t we? We all agreed the highlight of the Games was Spraygun’s interpretative dance of a kangaroo cull. Sadly, Soup Dog and the other wrappers judging her brake linings were culturally incapable of understanding the ecological necessity of topping as many of the dear old macropods as possible to maintain sustainable levels. In the US it’s official: God saved Trump to save the world – at least according to the Donald himself. Kamala may as well pack it in now. ‘Vicarious Trauma’, which is defined as ‘the emotional residue of somebody else’s trauma’ – or the trauma you have when you don’t have any trauma - is all the rage. So if I get upset when someone spits the dummy can I sue the dummy spitter for causing me to experience vicarious trauma? Such drivel is being dragged along under the hull of mental health which is a serious issue not being helped by parasitic hangers on. I can see it clearly: KCs at 20 paces. Our Treasurer, Dr Prince Chalmers, is treading his careful way through a nest of vipers (that’s why they call him Snake Chalmers). On the one hand he’s got the cognitively impaired Greens yelling ‘hang the rich!’ On the other he’s got business groups crying poor. And on yet the other he has the RBA ‘smashing the economy’. Tread carefully, Jim. The CEO of the ABC has quit before time. Uninformed sources say there is no truth to the rumour that he’s seeking pre selection for a safe ALP seat.
The Right-leaning media claims similarities between the Albanese and Whitlam governments: i.e. two leaders beset by idiots on all sides. Your correspondent begs to differ. Although a callow youth in 1972, he recalls Gough and Lance Barnard sworn in by old mate the GG to all portfolios (eat your heart out ScoMo) pending receipt from the caucus of the names of the individuals to fill the 137 ministries. Unfortunately for Gough, the list included an overabundance of ideologues, dilettantes and incompetents. Elbow’s had much better luck. Regrettably, changes over the years have produced a legion of tricky issues (a few even genuine) pushed by some of my fellow activists with ‘special pleadings’ such that it is virtually impossible to get anything right. Plato was spot on, I fear.
Winners & Grinners
The captain established order by introducing our guests, Russell and Margaret Sprout and Archie and Sandra Pelago. Gail Forswins made an unwelcome reappearance. Robbie’s Riddle was about scents, sense or cents. He rounded it off by securing the junior prize with a score of minus 6. The googly ball circulated amongst all who had a ball blown off the tee. Despite the conditions, no one admitted to spitting the dummy. So we gave it to Vicki Still who was at home complaining about not being able to play. There were no LDs or NTPs. The winner of the nine hole comp was Dave Hubbard with a score of +2 from Pete Harrison -2 and Ewan Prest - 6. Winner of the 18 hole comp was David Bailey -3. All players received bravery medals.
Next month we play for the Oktoberfest Stein. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on 6 October for the 12.15pm spearing of the keg. And, please, no more singing of the Horst Wessel Song.
Larry King, golfer
August Competition Results
Sunday, 4 August. I had a dream. In my dream I was swimming in the Seine, coming last in the 1,500 metres from Notre Dame to the Eiffel Tower. I was not feeling well. Was it the E-coli, the sleepless night on the cardboard bed or the breakfast of vegan muck from the blender in the village refectory? Suddenly I was caught in a landing net at Pont Neuf where Emmanuel Macron summarily expelled me from France for forgetting the words of the Marseillaise. After waiting for two weeks at CdG for my Rex Aviation flight I arrived back home in Virginia class nuclear submarine. Initially placed into indefinite detention I was released into the community by the High Court on the grounds of being an undesirable alien. Wearing only an ankle bracelet and a pair of those Step One underpants, I was teeing off at ‘Up the Creek’ (par 4) when I woke up feeling cold. Thank God it was the day of the Emperor Augustus Medal in dear old Wamboin! The event was sponsored by The Tradies - Trent Abell ( fresh from his bronze medal in open heart surgery), Don Evans and Col Prest - those clever people who always seem to know what they’re doing but can’t convey the sense of it to me. Competition was to be decided on strokes reduced by handicaps. Firing up our chariots we hit the course reciting poems by Catullus and Martial.
Back in the Forum, as the captain fingered the abacus, we looked around the planet. Things seemed to be fairly stable. Ukraine and Gaza appear to be going smoothly. Mr Zelenskyy has his F16s. Hezbollah, Hamas and the Hooters are standing up awfully well to the regular loss of leadership, and Israelis are getting right behind their upright and charismatic PM. After that debate, your correspondent thought he better start looking for Mr Trump’s good points in the likely event he becomes POTUS again. I hadn’t got anywhere when Donald Duck! (as they now refer to him) narrowly avoided an end-of-life experience with only slight damage to his tin ear for the truth, making his election a lay-down misere. Then Joe pulled the pin, anointing Ms Harris. Kamala is accused of being DEI by the Trump camp. It stands for Diversity, Equity, Inclusion. That can’t be bad, can it? I’d even be happy if those noble goals characterised the output of the ABC whose former chairwoman, Ita Buttrose, has leveled trenchant criticism of bias at the national broadcaster. We were all alarmed by the Great Outage of 2024 which affected our access to web-based services. Blame quickly shifted from the cast of Home and Away to a mob called Crowd Funding. To be on the safe side I changed all my passwords. Websites insist on at least eight characters so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, just like my old mate, Nick Helm. The great prophylactic fustercluck in the ACT has raised eyebrows. There is to be an ‘internal investigation’. Let’s hope they use the right probe covers.
Winners & Grinners
The captain called us to order by introducing our guests Roslyn, Ryan, Luke and Emma. Robbie’s Riddle invoked the sacred name of the Spice Girls. Ted’s Joke dredged up the agony of night golf. The googly ball was presented to the gentleman (yes, he can play the bagpipes but chooses not to) who shared the apocryphal advice given by a playing partner, viz. 1 eat slowly and chew your food well; 2 be nice to your mother; 3 don’t wear a white hat to a shit fight. There was much spitting of the dummy. Of course the early winner was Vicki Still who, with a snappy side-step, slipped it to David Bailey who decorated a tree with his 5 Wood, thence back to Vicki for quiet abuse, no doubt deserved, of Tim Barter, followed by a hospital pass to Steve Lambert who called for the removal of several trees on the course and finally to your correspondent for falsely claiming that David Bailey had nicked his two NTP’s. The junior comp winner was Ewan Prest 58/30 from the prodigious Robert Thompson 51/40. LD and NTP ball winners were Ken Gordon 3, Col Urquhart 2, David Bailey 2 (that hurts) and Keith France 2. The nine hole comp was won by Pete Harrison 47/29 from Cameron Hansen 46/32 and Ken Gordon 38/34 OCB. Victorious in the 18 hole comp was Tim Barter 72/63 from David Bailey 92/ 65 and Col Urquhart 94/68. Well done, guys!
Next month it will be Spring. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 1 September for the normal 12.30pm start of the Spring Trophy. Meanwhile, spare a thought for poor Old George. He wants to be an organ donor but can’t decide between the Wurlitzer and the Hammond B3 with the Lesley speakers.
Larry King, golfer
July Competition Results
Sunday, 7 July. We’re halfway through the year so, of course, we play the Halfway Pennant. The day’s sponsors were those daring young people in their flying machines and sailing boats, Paul Griffin with co-pilot Diane and Tim Barter with Vicki Still at the helm. We thank them for the prizes and refreshments. Play was to be decided by the famous Stableford method. Outside it was cold enough, according to a local automotive expert, to freeze the balls in a bearing. So we rugged up and, pushing our way through the penguins, hit the glacial slopes of a Wintry Wamboin.
Back in Mawson’s hut, next to the fire, we scanned the happening topography while the captain chewed his pencil. We were shocked by the news that the UK’s second largest city, Birmingham, had declared bankruptcy. It seems that street lighting, sanitation and other municipal services have been slashed to the bone. But here in Wamboin Council doesn’t provide any of that. Could the QPRC be heading down the Birmingham track, we asked ourselves? There is a solution. That nice Mr Dutton has promised Australia seven nuclear reactors. Of course the scaredy cats and the NIMBYs are all curly-lipped about it. Some are threatening to knock back the generous offer. This will give the financially-oppressed QP Rangers the opportunity to snap up two or three of those rejected reactors. Projected revenue will allow us to run free of rates for years! And kids that glow in the dark will be much easier to keep track of.
As expected, the Tories were all but swept out in the tidal wave of the UK general election. Let’s hope that Keir Starmer can steer calmer waters than the shoals and eddies left by the blue bloods. That old self-serving equivocator, Nigel Farrago, threw his hat in the ring. He is well-known in Britain as an accessory before and after the fact to that great economic leap forward known as Brexit. Sadly, he got in. PRC Premier and Keeper of the Purse, Li K-chang, has promised Adelaide zoo two new pandas to replace the duds that have failed to reproduce but, nevertheless, kept the kiddies amused for the past eight years.
The Greens’ Atom Ant has threatened to sue federal attorney-general, Mark Dreyfus, for defamation in connection to Mr Ant’s pro Palestinian comments. I’m trying to think of a form of words by which he could possibly have been defamed. Then Senator Payman was bounced for crossing the floor – apparently an unforgiveable sin. It can’t be because she advocates a Palestinian State. Your correspondent thought both sides support that. I think she’s the victim of ALP ‘groupthink’.
Now that the former occupant of the position has resigned, your correspondent is applying for the job of head of Canberra’s CIT. My principal qualifications are: 1. I don’t know any ‘complexity and systems thinkers’ to throw a lazy $8million at; 2. I am prepared to be suspended for two years on full pay of >$300Kper annum. Also happy to stand in as GG at >$700K. On the subject of education, ACT schools, it appears, will henceforth emphasise improving basic skills (presumably the three Rs). That this is news is disturbing. It implies that at some point in the past they were encouraged not to emphasise basic skills – probably by a ‘complexity thinker’.
Winners & Grinners
The captain quietened us down by introducing our visitor, Kieran Sweeting, and welcoming back Tom Roberts after a long absence (probably painting bushrangers). Ted’s Joke was the PG rated comments of Samantha Urquhart about the golf balls won by her husband, Col. The googly ball went to the Fish who claimed never to have played France’s holes or Lambert’s Leap. The dummy spit went to Col Urquhart for complaining that he didn’t get to see Vicki Still spit the dummy last month due to her absence. He cleverly flick passed it to your correspondent, caught bemoaning the lack of a caddy. The encouragement award went to Tom Roberts for his first game in three and a half years. LD and NTP ball winners were Ken Gordon 3, Colin Urquhart 3, Tim Barter and Cam Hansen. The captain briefed us on young Robert Thompson’s spectacular progress in junior golf. Winner of the nine hole comp was Ken Gordon with 24 Stableford points, from Matt Hawke 22 OCB Chris Hansen 22. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Col Urquhart 37 from Keith France 36 and Tony Fisher 28. Well done all players!
Next month honours Roman emperor, Caesar Augustus, so togas must be worn under the bear skin cloaks. But socks with sandals is not a good look. Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 4 August for the predictable 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, the members of the R&A WGC extend our best wishes to our Sheriff, Rick Remington, for a full and speedy recovery from his recent experience of the extreme sport of myocardial infarction.
Larry King, golfer
June Competition Results
Sunday, 2 June. Normally the month of the EOFY Challenge but today the region’s golfers contested the Solstice Howl (we play golf while howling at the moon – not easy but can be done). The event was sponsored by Samantha and Col Urquhart and Glenn Crafter whom we thank for the eats and prizes. It was a dark and stormy night, dimly lit by a fitful, waxing moon. Those of a timorous disposition fingered their beads and St Christopher medals or offered prayers to Vishnu, Allah and Buddha.
Back in the tent, as the captain worked the abacas, we noted that the WHS initiative in protecting our restored and much-cherished monument at the Sutton/Norton intersection has shamed the Queens Park Rangers into doing something about the parlous state of Norton Road between Bingley Way and Amungula Place. No doubt Council’s roads and planning wonks think it’s a local road. In fact, it’s a national highway linking the East Coast with the Western Plains. Ironically, a new road in Wamboin is to be named Long Flat Road. It’ll be the only flat road in the shire. We were pleased to see our Premier, Chris Minns, extending the life of Eraring power station to allow renewables to catch up. This was welcomed by all except the neuro-divergent Greens who whipped themselves into a frenzy of violent opposition. The message is spreading through the population at large that Watermelons have nothing to offer as a practical solution to any problem. The rest of us know that a dead stop would turn off the lights, the heaters, the stoves, the work places, the production and employment, the income, taxation and investment and all the services of commerce, industry and government.
The news that former Sanremo Music Festival winner, Astra Zeneca, is retiring brought a tear to many a glass eye. We wish her well in whatever Petrie dish she finds herself. Elbow breathed a sigh of relief when the High Court found that the government could deport ASF 17, who was refusing to ‘cooperate ‘ in the attempts to send him back whence he came.(Iran doesn’t want him anyway.) The whole shambles was started by the Court’s decision in the NZYQ case. Immigration Minister Giles is eagerly awaiting the Court’s findings in the POQ and DCB cases as he struggles with the meaning of Direction 99 (or Catch 22). UK PM, Sushi Runak, has read the entrails and decided that 4 July is as good a date as any to lose an election. Our interest was piqued by the ABC’s Ms Tingle’s revealing comments, at the Writer’s Festival, on the nation and its politics. Maybe she can explain the process by which our obdurately racist country had become an admired multicultural archetype. By contrast, the bad news is that Rugby Australia has canned the financially moribund Melbourne Rebels. Media pundits say this will lead to much expensive litigation. We wondered what other kind there is. And talking about litigation, Trump is now a criminal. Unless, of course, his innocence was ‘stolen’ from him. More non-cheap litigation coming up.
We’re all terribly impressed by the International Court of Justice. I’ve reserved a front row seat when those 27 old seat-warmers in black muu muus file in after Bibi and Hamas land in the dock. They must have an algorithm which tells you when collateral damage becomes genocide. In the Battle for France, which began with the Normandy Landing, at least 70,000 French civilians died and over 100,000 were injured. ‘And many are the dead, too silent to be real’ as my late friend, Gordon Lightfoot, succinctly put it.
Winners & Grinners
The captain called for order and introduced our guests, Rick Christian and Elle and Bob Ektron. Ted’s joke featured wet fishermen. The googly ball first went to Travis Wheelbarrow for leaving his golf bag on the ground where it was nearly run over; then to Glenn Crafter for finding a club, lost two months ago, in Mason’s dam. The dummy spit was initially awarded to Col Urquhart for complaining about someone walking over his putting line. This was dismissed as a legitimate protest. The award was immediately transferred to Vicki Still who, although not present on the day, was reported to be complaining loudly about the weather in Queensland. LD and NTP ball winners were Glenn Crafter 3, Matt Hawke 2, Col Urquhart 2, Chris Hansen, Paul Griffin and Keith France. The winner of the junior comp was Ewan Prest (untroubled by those snapping at his heels) with 61 off the stick and 32 after adjustment for handicap. Cam Hansen took out the nine hole comp 43/28, from Travis Moniuszko 51/31 with Keith France 39/32 in 3rd place. In the crowded 18 hole comp the victor was Glenn Crafter 80/67 from Colin Urquhart 94/69. By tradition – being sponsors - neither was eligible for a prize. The minor pace getters are still fighting over the spoils.
Isn’t the year flashing past! Next month we stage The Halfway Pennant. Please join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 7 July for the dependable 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, look out for those influenzas and Mummy Bloggers.
Larry King, golfer
May Competition Results
Sunday, 5 May. Welcome to the closing days of Autumn. Brooding Winter looms. But let’s forget that for the moment because, for this year only, we have brought forward the Ted Evans Memorial GST competition, an Ambrose featuring teams of two generally held in June (the EOFY). This enabled our peripatetic sponsors, Keith France and Kathy Handel, to be present. We appreciate their company, the refreshments and the prizes. We don’t appreciate the complicated scoring, requiring ten per cent to be added to our handicaps and remitted to the ATO. Nevertheless, you can’t ruin a game of golf no matter how hard you try. And Huey spared us the forecast tempest.
Back in Prospero’s Cave, as the captain did the reckoning, we discussed the goings-on around us. It was such a pleasure to see our identifying Wamboin monument restored at the Sutton/ Norton intersection. To protect it from future motoring nitwits the Wamboin Horticultural Society has ringed it with Sequoia Giganta tube stock. Woe betide the careless driver who has a crack at it in around 3,000 years time. The Queensland government is introducing a novel way to reduce youth crime in the Sunshine State. They propose to ban the reporting of it in the media. A very Soviet solution. It’ll be like reading Pravda. I wonder what they’ll censor next?
Like Moses, Albo and his Treasurer, Dr Prince Chalmers, plan to lead us out of the economic wilderness into a new manufacturing land of milk and honey. They have identified the industries from which the sweet lactose will flow. Dr Chalmers, whose PhD is in political science, may not be the best person to pick the winners. Wisely, he will be seeking the advice of the business sector. He may be disappointed; with a few honourable exceptions, Australian private enterprise, judged on the ASX 500, is neither private nor enterprising. They tend to look after institutional shareholders by cutting costs (read ‘service’) and raising prices rather than investing in new ventures and technologies. So where will the money come from? From subsidies (read ‘taxation’) and overseas investors (who will own the IP and repatriate profits). We hope it all works out, Jim. After all, the ‘Placido Domingo’ of Treasurers didn’t finish high school.
We are living through a surfeit of crises. We’ve got the Ukraine crisis and the Gaza crisis. Then there are all those crises in Africa, the Indian Sub-continent, the Arabian Peninsula, North and South-East Asia and Latin America. At home there’s the housing crisis, the cost-of-living crisis, the youth violence crisis (being solved imaginatively by the QLD government), the domestic violence crisis (not being solved at all), the mental health crisis, the day care crisis, the aged care crisis, the terrorism crisis, the student debt crisis and the social media crisis, to name but a few. This is where ‘Activists’ come into their own. You start off with a jolly good march followed by a demo in the park addressed by indignant people who can be relied on to blame government for wanton inaction and to demand an immediate fix. At least it gives the kids something to do. Of course, they‘re nowhere near as good as we were: in 1965 your correspondent was demonstrating against the Vietnam War. And, sure enough, ten years later they stopped it. That’s top class activism for you.
Winners & Grinners
The acting captain called us to order and introduced our guests, Ali and Fatima Luya. Ted’s Joke was the first BAS, which anyone in business at the time will tell you was as long as ‘Gone with the Wind’. The googly ball went to Colin Urquhart making his return to golf after almost a year recovering from injury – during which time he could have been looking for his lost 5 iron. The dummy spit was awarded to Keith France for his rant about a person who, he asserted, failed to understand the complex rules of the day’s play. The gentleman in question – I say ‘gentleman’ because he can play the bagpipes but chooses not to – maintained a dignified silence during the defamation and has since engaged Lisa Wilkinson’s barrister. Other pacifier expectorants were certain nine holers who complained about the absence of Fluid Loss Adjusters on the Eastern Course. Cravenly, they failed to bring this up at the 19th.
Given the nature of the competition, there were no encouragement, junior or LD and NTP awards. Nor would it be useful to include the scores which produced the following results; they would confound the Psi Quantum computer. Accordingly, victors in the nine hole comp were the team of Colin Urquhart and Pete Harrison from the team of Robert Gorham and Chris Hansen, with the team of Steve Lambert and Larry King in 3rd place. Winners of the 18 hole comp were the team of Matt Hawke and Cameron Hansen from the team of John Helgesen and Travis Makowieki.
Next month is June (but you knew that didn’t you?) Join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 2 June for the reliable 12.30pm bounce of the ball. Meanwhile, do you suffer from Triskaidekaphobia? If so, I’d be careful in the second week of September.
Larry King, golfer
April Competition Results
Sunday, 7 April. Welcome to Suckerburg, a little town in Cyberia where data is sucked in one end and evacuated from the other (if you get my drift). It’s not hard to identify the suckers. They shop at the only store in town, called Meat (I think that’s how it’s spelled). The owner, it is said, lacks the usual virtues and pinched the idea from a college ’friend’. Presumably based on the same protocol, Meat’s business plan consists of nicking everything that isn’t nailed down, like personal and commercial information, such as the ABC’s logo (redrawn by a five year old). On the bright side, Meat still doesn’t control the Wamboin Mini Masters at which regional golfers vie for the Greenish Jacket. There’s a game played in far off America modeled on our format: round 1 to see who makes the cut; round 2 to determine the overall and handicap winners. National Augusta is yet to copy our novelty shots but, no doubt, soon will. The day was sponsored by the Wamboin Community Association whom we thank for their continuing support, prizes and refreshments. The course was saturated by the downpour of the previous two days, but deemed playable by greens staff. Consequently, donning gum boots and spray jackets we hit the course with an enthusiasm matched only by fly casters fishing in the rain.
Back in Cannery Row, as the captain scaled and gutted the catch, we cast a jaundiced eye or two across the planet. While we were bemoaning the destruction of Gaza in the wake of the IDF’s spirited repulse of the attack by Hamas/Hezbollah/Islamic Jihad/Iran I recalled the words of my old buddy, Damien Hirst. When asked how a benign and all-loving God could allow persistent cruelty in the world he said “I blame his parents”. You could apply Hirst’s thesis to the predicament faced by cockies in Baralaba QLD. For 12 years they fought off a coal mining proposal threatening water sources. Now they face a new proposal. What mentally deficient government is giving time to even consider another coalmine? Gas, nuclear, kryptonite by all means. But coal? What were their parents smoking?
The House of Windsor is in decline. According to the ever-reliable London tabloids and social media, poor Kate expired on the operating table, and Chuck 3 has had his left leg amputated. His siblings are not helping: Anne fell off a Shetland pony at Badminton and broke her arm; Andrew is back to his old tricks in the flesh pots of New York; and whatsisname, the wimpy kid, hasn’t been seen in years. You’d think that ‘Wills’, the next in line, would step up to the plate but my sources report that he’s undergoing intensive remedial training in Photoshopping at the Royal Academy. The word from Fleet Street is that the evil Prince Harry has captured his infant heirs and plans to do a Richard III to them. And as for all those vapid cousins, they’re out clubbing or trying on silly hats. Britons are understandably contemplating a new blood line. Your correspondent is thinking of throwing his hat in the ring. Well, why not?
The poor old Russkies, who have never known freedom, deserve better than Pooty and his cronies. He can’t help himself. A terrorist atrocity is bad enough – and the one in Moscow is Europe’s worst in recent memory. We are told that Putin was warned by US intelligence but did nothing, apart from blaming Ukraine in the aftermath. It turns out that the perps come from Tajikistan. But, wait. They were caught heading for Ukraine weren’t they? And didn’t we beat the truth out of them? It’s all so reminiscent of a line from my pal, John Burdett’s book, ‘Bangkok Tattoo’: “As I entered the station I could tell from the screams coming from interview room 4 that a confession was imminent.”
Winners & Grinners
The captain calmed us down by introducing our guests, John Helgeson, Joy Devivre, Laura Norder and Horler Noats. The googly ball went to Antony Blinkin for unwanted frequent flyer points. The dummy spit was given to former 7 Network employee, Taylor Auerbach. Ball winners were all those who made the cut after Round 1: Ken Gordon, Tim Barter, Rob Gorham, Dave ’Elron’ Hubbard, Windham Clark, John Helgeson, Paul Griffin, Vicki Still, Scottie Scheffler, Matt Hawke and Keith France. NTP Novelty Shot winners were: ramp John Helgeson; tyre Ken Gordon; bunker Chris Hansen; overall Ken Gordon. Handicap comp winner was Scott Mason from runner-up Rob Gorham. The 2024 Wamboin Mini Masters were: 2024 Junior Master (in a class of his own) Ewan Prest; 2024 Master, Ken Gordon (looking sharp in the ‘I can’t believe it’s not green’ jacket) from runner-up Tim Barter.
Next month we celebrate the approaching EOFY with the GST Trophy. Join us at 12.15pm on Sunday, 5 May for the usual 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, spare a thought for NSW Supreme Court Justice Michael Lee who is trying to sort out the great legal fustercluck of the last three years. His main problem is the conga line of dubious characters parading before him, purporting to be ‘witnesses of truth’. Good luck, Your Honour.
King, Lawrence 1, golfer and royal aspirant
March Competition Results
Sunday, 3 March. The falling leaves drift by my window; those Autumn leaves of red and gold, as my old pal, Johnny Mercer once put it. It is the time of the Mad March Hare Medallion which the region’s golfers strive to secure. The afternoon was mild and breezy as we gathered to the fray. The day was sponsored by the Gordon and Bailey families whom we thank for the eats and prizes. After they nominated a handicap competition we hit the track intoning lyric poetry appropriate to the benign influence of the season.
Back under the light autumnal quilt of the year’s approaching dormancy, as the captain conned our cards, we shone our torches into some dark corners. There’s no denying it, the US of A is going through a bad patch. Voters at this year’s presidential elections are not spoiled for choice. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could convince Old White Joe to step aside for Michele Obama, and Ronald the Donald to drop out of the race leaving Nikki Haley with the nomination. Obviously we aren’t relying on Joe to forget to wait for the gangway before he steps off Air force One or the Supreme Court to affirm Colorado’s decision to exclude the Donald from the ballot.
Your correspondent has little doubt that the Rectum of Russia, Vladimir Putin, arranged the murder of Alexei Navalny, a courageous opponent of his thuggishly autocratic regime. Purists will note the absence of the adjective ‘alleged’. There can be little doubt that the man he hounded, jailed, poisoned and banished to the Arctic Circle didn’t die of SIDS as asserted. We recall everyone talking about the Snowtown ’murders’, long before His Honour had reached that decision, on the reasonable basis that the bodies didn’t get into the barrels by accident. With his usual perfect timing, Trump has given the Soviet Sphincter carte blanche to attack NATO’s financial delinquents. Mind you, he has a point. If the West doesn’t step up in support of Ukraine we encourage the Kremlin Kolon’s personal belief and domestic narrative that we are weak-kneed, limp-wristed and lily- livered.
We felt the embarrassment of Irish ‘stream of unconscious’ novelist, James Barnaby Joyce, who was filmed behaving like Brendan Behan. Bad Branducci, the great illusionist (now you see him, now you don’t), is leaving Woolies on a high – profit, that is. How we admired his ability, when interviewed, to say nothing substantive or informative, just like the CEOs of Coles, Optus, Qantas and Virgin - all women, by the way; not good examples for the sisterhood. The really big news is that the NRL has arrived in Vegas. Sadly, it was a bit of a disappointment; first up, games were played on stage at Caesars Palace; secondly, like gridiron, they lasted four hours but included only eleven minutes playing time to allow for the ads; and half time entertainment was provided by Wayne Newton and Meatloaf. The best part was the spectacular heist Ocean’s 14 pulled off during the game. Two clever marketing campaigns are underway: ASIO’s obduracy not to name the ‘MP traitor’ is designed to makes us look under our beds. And guess what we’ll find?; and the Australian Marijuana Party is hoping the visit of the Philippines’ President, Two Bongs Marcos, will boost their flagging membership. Because we all have a soft spot for the adjacent town council, we bridled at the rubbishing of dear old Canberra by the ordinary Steven Miles who took over Queensland from Anastacia Palerang. We remembered with a smile his great work, when health minister during COVID, as a straight man for QLD’s senior medical officer.
Winners & Grinners
Having caught our attention, the captain welcomed our visitors, Clint Pickin, the accident-prone Dave Hubbard and Phil Moran and his charming wife Rachel (a real credit to her parents). Ted’s joke made reference to hazards on the course. The googly ball went to Tim Barter who managed to play a round without complaining – that is until the 19th when he commented on the legitimacy of another player’s club. Rob Gorham was awarded the dummy spit for questioning the authenticity of the birdie on Short’n’Sweet by a person I won’t name (modesty forbids). LD and NTP ball winners were Ken Gordon, Rob Gorham, Matt Hawke, Glen Crafter, Larry King, Clint Pickin, Vicki Still and Phil Moran. The Junior Comp winner was, Ewan Prest 58/25. Winner of the nine hole comp was Phil Moran 39/29 from Dave Hubbard 43/30 and Clint Pickin 41/32 OCB. Winner of the 18 hole comp was Paul Griffin 80/64 from Tim Barter 75/67 and Vicki Still 92/71 OCB. Well done all!
Next month we play the Mini Masters. Don your green jackets and join us at the Hall at 12.15pm on Sunday, 7 April for the 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, what is the best thing since sliced bread? Toast, of course. Don’t you just love tea and hot-buttered toast as you check the value of your Nvidia shares each morning?
Larry King, golfer
February Competition Results
Sunday, 7 February. It’s not yet Autumn, season of mists and mellow fruitfulness, as your correspondent’s old mate Johnny Keats once put it. Bur it definitely feels like it. Let’s hope it’ll be mellower than the back end of Summer which has had its own share of mists and brought havoc to the poor devils in FNQ. Old George asked me about this Gail Forswins who was creating all that mayhem up north. I set him straight by reminding him that El Nino’s arrival from the East was being blocked by the shenanigans of La Nina, that hot potato from Ecuador. At the same time in the West, those two off-shore Indian pole dancers, under the influence of the Solar Vortex (not to be confused with the solar plexus) were keeping conditions steamy. He thanked me for that lucid explanation.
How was your Australia Day? It seems that whatever day you pick there will still be the usual complaints about the invasion. So we may as well retain 26 January. Then, at least, all of us can do something together – celebrate or mourn or simply ignore it at a barbie on a day off. That way the dispossessed can express their angst that eleven boat loads of refugees, seeking asylum in a new land, didn’t have the manners to be invited or learn the language. In rebuttal, the immigrants can claim to be the harbingers of golf which >200 years later enables us to mount the Wamboin Desiccation Medal. The day wasn’t as hot as a ringside seat in Hades, but it got close. Our kindly sponsors were the Schroder and Whitney families whom we thank for the rewards and sustenance. They declared that the tournament would be decided by handicap.
Back in the shade, as the captain chewed his pencil in frustration, we removed the rose coloured glasses and critically surveyed our environs. We admired the adroitness with which Elbow and his Treasurer, Prince Chalmers, finessed the eagerly awaited stage 3 income tax reductions to redistribute some of the income of the fat cats. The electorally decisive 14 million tax payers whose tax rate will thus be reduced more than the one million in the higher bracket, will applaud the move. The political risk of the so-called broken promise is less than the danger that Prince Chalmers may become better known as the Bracket Creep. It’s hard to get a grip on the real effects because the major media groups are divided on ideological lines. Murdoch’s mob is stanchly capitalist, the ABC is staunchly communist and Nine News is staunchly confused populist. Look for that old prankster, the jovial Mr Dutton, calling out everything the government does between now and September 2025 as a broken promise.
We contemplated with downcast eyes the United Shambles of America. The intellectual malaise which may next year slide a lying buffoon back into the White House has crept into the highest echelons of learning. The council of Harvard University has fired its 30th President for incompetence and plagiarism. It seems her post graduate academic attainments amounted to no more than eleven plagiarised articles and no book. Turning to sport, his many fans wept openly when the Jockitch was scratched from the Australian Open by an unrepentant Sinner. What went wrong? Perhaps a case of measles the notorious Novax may or may not have brought in with him?
Winners & Grinners
The captain called for order an introduced our guest, the one and only Andy Morehouse from Beaufort 40. Ted’s joke was about an endless series of something. The googly ball went to Steve Lambert for courageously revealing the truth behind The Great Marsh on Louisiana Drive. The dummy spit was PG rated and awarded to the person who tapped another person the shoulder at 2am on Golf Day (ostensibly to complain of the heat). The LD and NTP ball winners were Glen Crafter 2, Cameron Hansen 2, Ken Gordon 2, Matt Hawke and Kathy Handel. The Encouragement and Juniors Award went to Ewan Prest who shot a 53/14 and now displays the Ned Kelly Trophy on the family gate post. Winner of the nine hole comp was Cam Hansen 43/26 from Larry King 47/29 and John Whitney 37/30. Victor in the 18 hole comp was Tim Barter 71/62 from Glen Crafter 82/69 OCB from Vicki Still 90/69. Congratulations to all players.
Next month really will be Autumn when we kick our way through her golden gown. Join us at the Hall on Sunday, 3 March at 12.15pm for the 12.30pm start of the Falling Leaves Trophy. Meanwhile, who else thought that the new power lines coming out of Queanbeyan on Canberra Ave were a triple decker chairlift for Hobbits?
Larry King, golfer
January Competition Results
Sunday, 7 January 2024. Yep. A new year. And what a year it’s going to be! Chock full of the usual stuff of life in the 21st Century: new planet-saving technologies; a world in harmony; cooperative national leaders; the dominance of parliamentary democracies; a global free market economy; international respect for the rule of law; and the contesting of the Wamboin New Year’s Resolution Pennant. Contrary to the BOM’s predictions, the expected steaming January didn’t eventuate but we still played the short nine hole course. The day was sponsored by L&L King whom we thank for the prizes and eats. They obligingly nominated stroke play with handicaps. And so, having chosen our permitted three clubs, we hit the course with hope in our hearts, knowing that we would never walk alone.
Back in the dear old Hall we exchanged New Year’s resolutions. Here’s your correspondent’s: 1. I will concentrate on retaining two consecutive thoughts; ….. 3. I will not dig tunnels under hospitals, schools and places of worship; 4. I will buy shares in Slater + Gordon (if the mooted IR laws come in); 5. I will refrain from mixing Ozempic with Viagra; 6. I will become an ‘activist’ (it’s an easy gig - all you do is tell others what they should do); 7. As a start I will advocate the elimination of those pesky pronouns; 8. I will not offend anybody.
As the acting captain did the sums we scanned the human domain. The news out of Denmark is that, bizarrely, Queen Margrethe II will hand over the throne to FedEx. Sorry, that’s the future Fred X (cf. Chuck III), currently the Crown Prince. HM reckons 52 years is long enough. She’s right: people who live in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones. Thousands of people subsidised by the tax payers of the world, and all grinding their axes, attended the COP 28 hootenanny in Dubai. President of the caper, Sultan al Jaber the Hutt, probably got what he wanted. My fellow activist from Sweden will be pleased to know that by 2030 all EVs will be electric. Bungendore has been plastered with ‘Bring Back Our Hi Skool’ signs. There’s nothing like a proper education. I still stand by the Tarago option. Commercial shipping in the Red Sea is being attacked by Yemeni Hooters (whoever she is). Our navy won’t be sending war ships to bolster the international task force because a) the one that works must remain to police the Coral Sea and b) the rest can’t defend against drones. We are sending “six naval personnel” – a hot jazz sextet to entertain the troops. We now know why Brittany got the $2.4 million: because she asked for it. There’s an answer to your cost of living problems, folks. Just contact the federal A-G and nominate a sum. You’ll get it without broader inquiry. We were overjoyed to see that Iceland has named its latest volcanic eruption ‘Jindavik’ after the old Australian target drone designed, appropriately, to be shot down in flames.
Winners & Grinners
The captain called for order and introduced our guests, Angela and Nick Owen Owan, Brenda Barnard and a group of touring Scots which included Scott Mason, Ben Nevis, Ben Lomond, Glen Fiddich, Athol Blair, Glen Eagles and S. T. Andrews. The googly ball went to Tony Fisher for almost decapitating your correspondent by releasing his 3 Wood when driving off. Welcome back Fish! The dummy was expectorated, even before play began, by Lisa Whitney who was heard to complain about her handicap. Ewan Prest got the encouragement award for playing his first game, unfortunately in bad company. Winner of the day’s short course comp was Tim Barter 38/33.5 from John Whitney 43/37 and Pete Harrison 55/39. Instead of the usual NTP and LD ball winners I thought we should include some useful Russian words and phrases – just in case NATO turns out to be an empty vessel. Prokofiev = Starbucks; Bartok = hotel conversations; Aeroflot = fly spray; Chekov = bad cheque; Rimsky-Korsakov = he ripped my corset off; Raskolnikov = the villain has fled; Borodin = lend me 10 roubles; Sikorsky = the horse in unwell; Tchaikovsky = this tea makes me cough; Kremlin = a mischievous gnome; Dostoyevsky = the Esky is dusty; Nyet = no (not to be confused with ‘not yet’); Putin = all purpose coarse adjective, as in “will this putin rain never end?”.
Next month we play for the Desiccation Medal. Join us at the Hall on Sunday 4 February at 12.15pm for the habitual 12.30pm start. Meanwhile, I pass on the advice of a good friend: the importance of retaining consecutive thoughts is to avoid Hereafter Syndrome, i.e. entering a room and saying “What am I here after?”
Larry King, golfer